Personal essays · Reflections

Bad seeds

It’s been a rollercoaster week. Tonight, I have reached the point where I am questioning my relationship with God. Not my faith, at least I don’t think…. I do not doubt who He is just what I have known Him to be to me.

I internalize situations, meaning I try to see what I could have done differently to affect the outcome of any and every situation. Well, not every but those in my world. Currently, my world is kind of tilted, and I am trying to see what seeds I sowed for the harvest I am reaping. I was listening to my dad kinda vent tonight and out of all the many things he said, what is ringing in my ears, head, and heart is, “you reap what you sow.” It is like in movies or in a television show where someone suffers a seemingly devastating blow, and they say, “I wish I had never been born!” cues dream sequence and their life plays out as if they had not been born. Not saying that is where I am but I am trying to retrace my steps to see what I could have done differently to change things for the better with everything going on right now. Grant it, some of these things I had no way of preventing but I still feel responsible.

I understand that I serve a forgiving and just God who loves me just because and in spite of me. Right now, I know that the love I am not giving myself is denying His love. However, what decisions did I make to be here? Here is a place of inadequacy. Here is a feeling of bad precedence. Here is a position of disappointment.
What do I do?

 

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