Personal essays · Reflections · Self Love

Learning How to Love

So I am up with my hot lemon water, trying to prepare for April. After receiving some insight from my best friend, I realized that Spring Break was pretty good. I did not travel nor did I necessarily have a “staycation.” I was very productive.

  • I slept in!
  • I worked out most of the week for at least 20 minutes!
  • I got my books out of storage!!!
  • I finished my 1st story for this project I hope to release soon.
  • I crafted!
  • And I was also in a fashion show

I intended to sleep in and write, and I am grateful I was able to accomplish both. But participating in the fashion show is why I am here, writing.

Practice went pretty good, but it reminded me why I no longer dance. I had an ex-boyfriend point out that I was always a second behind the group and that is how I felt during every choreography for each of the 3 catwalk scenes.

Morning of the event, things were going well until the outfits were brought in. All of mine seemed bigger than the others (I think I wore the largest size out of all of the models – no big deal!). I was still excited until I put on the 1st dress. It was very much my style – long, comfy and it had POCKETS! But my lumpy stomach was all I saw, and that seemed to accentuate my fresh twist out that I preferred to be a little old and frizzy. To recap, I did not feel comfortable in my skin.

Outfit #2 was very cute and very comfy, again. But the pictures posted on social media were not very complimentary. The jeans were amazing, and I did not want to take them off. However, when it was time to change for the third and final scene, I was faking, and my discomfort made my stomach flutter.

Scene 3 was featuring a designer who I knew I was not able to fit, but I desperately wanted to was badly! My romper was flattering, COMFORTABLE, and I was able to show off my legs – definitely a plus! I was the only one who was not in a formal outfit. I tried to make up for feeling insignificant but killing it with my walk, and I even impressed myself, but my walk was bad!

After all was said and done, I was just ready to go home, wash my face, and climb in bed.

Yesterday should have been an opportunity for me to boost my self-esteem and love my body. I have lost over 10 lbs. I have been trying to eat better. My skin and hair look great, very healthy. Even though I feel better today, my discomfort from yesterday is looming. Learning to love me seems like a never-ending process.

Give love. Get love.

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