about me · Reflections

38 years in review

It is the eve of my 39th birthday, and I feel the need to write my annual birthday post. This time I am not as excited, at least I am getting towards excited. I still love birthdays, but I am reflective, very much in deep thought about my life – where I wanna be, where I am, where I think I should be, and where I am going. Last night I cried right before going to sleep at where I was physically, in bed, in my room, in a house, where I pay rent, to my parents (wasn’t sure how honest I was going to be!) I have had a hard to trying to release myself from societal norms and comparing myself to my peers. The older I get, the more I feel that I haven’t done enough to move past this point in my life.

But I have had all day to think about this post. As the day progressed, I realized that instead of being sad, mad, disappointed, or resentful, I should be grateful. So, here’s my gratitude list:

  1. I am alive. Yes this is very simple but simply put, it did not have to be this way. Despite dealing with the debilitating ailments, it could be another way!
  2. I have a sound mind. Again, dealing with this body and its aches, I could be in a different mental state. If I allowed some of my thoughts to get carried away, it could be a whole nutha way! This also has to do with my that state of my soul. Over the past year, I have questioned my faith and my relationship with God, and I believe He is affording me the grace to do so. Even in that state of inquiry, He has kept my soul right!
  3. I have a bed. I love my bed. I spend so much time in this relationship that my appreciation has grown and thusly, my gratitude.
  4. I have both of my parents. Folks my age are getting up out of here, much less the parents of my peers. By the time my parents were my age, I know my dad had lost both of his parents, and my mom had lost her mom. I know God would have made a way, but I am so glad my parents are alive and of sound mind and bodies!
  5. I have reliable transportation. Last year, I was able to get a brand new car after having my truck for 11 years. The car was not my 1st, 2nd, or 5th choice, but I have grown to adore it. Even though this car note is not ideal, I am grateful not to have to worry if the next time I crank my car will be last.
  6. I love my job. This is a statement I have not been able to say or think in YEARS! I have always enjoyed working with children and loved teaching. But my enjoyment and love have not matched my desire to clock in each day. This love has left me in a bit of a conundrum, but that’s another story for another day.
  7. I have a family to love. Some, honestly most days, I wish we did not live in such close quarters. Albeit, they support me, nourish, and nurture me more than I could ever ask.
  8. I have friends. Some days I do feel alone, and I long for male companionship; but until God aligns that for me, I am so grateful for the love and laughs that I get to share with my friends.

The clock has struck midnight. The 17th of July has arrived, which means I have a new set of 365 to expand this gratitude list, not that I cannot go on today. Most things have to do with perspective – the way you look at things, which causes you to think through things. I know I have many changes to make, but I do not any reason to be sad or mad about the way things are right now.

Give love. Get love.

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