2020 came in with so much hope and promise with an unusual air of unexpectancy. I am closing out my 30s this summer, so this new decade gave me so much excitement and anticipation. Now we are in a pause.
During this time, I have wrestled with fear over so many things. I have never classified myself has a “controlling” person, but not knowing if I will have a job in the coming months or how long my paychecks will last or who I can come in contact with all brought on higher levels of anxiety. Thankfully, my job has maintained communication concerning our employment status, and there has been enough in reserve for paychecks. With the city shut down, there is nowhere for me to go, and no one for me to commune with outside of those in my household.
Nevertheless, I have found myself trying to form a greater resilience towards fear. I am not the type to lose sleep, but I will stay up into the wee hours cycling through solutions. I have been saying for months that I need a form of residual income but could not think of anything I could successfully maintain beyond service-based jobs. Then there is this. This blog. My writing.
I love to write. I’ve had this blog for about 2 or so years now. I willingly admitted to my sister that writing is something that I can do earn money. Her immediate agreement was very supportive. I just have to…I must get over my fear or the notion that no one wants to read what I write. I know that sounds absurd considering that I do have visitors to the blog. However, each time I hit “publish,” anxiety sits at my fingertip, and my mind is flooding with immediate plans of retrieval from the interwebs. No matter how confidently I sit at my computer to type, I automatically wonder, “do they care?”
There are countless times I will see a post or hear something and my thoughts immediately develop a story and I say, “I should blog that!” The number of times I have completed that thought is minimal. My best friend often encourages me to “do it scared.” I wait. I have created the notion that there is a prime time for me to take action. I am waiting for the fear to subside long enough for me to move. As I sit and think on whatever I may have missed because of waiting. Not waiting in God or on God, just waiting.
The initiation of this decade has helped me understand that I serve a God of duality. In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. The and in that statement is a fact of two. Heaven and earth. Light and dark. Sun and moon. Land and sea. Good and evil. Fear and love. Fear will always exist and so will love. Waiting for fear to cease is like waiting for love to end. Waiting leaves me without. In order to have, I must move. I must do. It helps create balance. I accept the God in me and the authority He has given me when I move. God is present within the and, and because of the and. So because God is love, I must choose to fear not.
Fear will always be so I must choose love.
Give love. Get love.
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